If you have a friend or loved one who has gotten emotional, angry, or had to leave an event because something triggered a memory of their past you may have an opportunity to listen to traumatic memories. Senses seal traumatic memories as a way for the mind to protect the person from a horrific event by using long term memory. Short term memories become fuzzy or even absent based on the severity of the trauma. Individuals with significant memories will eventually want to talk about them if they feel safe and can trust the listener. Listening to traumatic memories is different from other forms of listening.
How You Listen Matters
Many times a memory is triggered by what appears to be an insignificant event to anyone in the vicinity, a song, smell of a pipe, seeing light through a green door, or a cold breeze on the neck. If the location is safe and removed from the trauma the mind signals to the body this may be a good time to share the memory and allow the mind to stop protecting it. Put the memory in its proper place.
For a person with traumatic memories the physical reaction is strong: shaking, sweating, urgency to flee, or crying. The mind will start a fight or flight scenario. Then a mental tennis match begins concerning sharing the memory or continuing to hide it. Sharing is hard but very liberating. This is the fifth in a series about triggers, significant memories, and living a happy healthy life. Read more about sharing and listening in Positive Listening to Traumatic Stories
Today’s post offers skills for listening to traumatic memories. These may relate to PTSD, express symptoms similar to PTSD, or be stories someone has never shared for fear of the response of the listener. Memories of rape, war, molestation, or abuse of many kinds are difficult to admit happened and thus difficult to share. Sharing the memories with someone who can listen with the following skills will bring relief, healing, and a happier healthier life to the speaker.
Dianne Schilling has a great article in Forbes 10 Steps to Effective Listening, which details skills for listening in a work or typical environment. I have created a list specifically for listening to traumatic memories. The only way to take back the power these memories have over our lives is to expose them to daylight and that is hard but a supportive listener helps immeasurably.
1. Make no judgment, comment, or significant reactions with body language.
The more intimate your relationship with the person the more significant this will be for the one sharing. Allow them to set the pace and extent of the story he wants to share. Most stories come out a little at a time because each verbal admission makes it more real and less deniable. Making comments like, no way, really, or other doubtful comments, signal you cannot handle the story and the speaker may cut the story short or shift to justifying their decisions. A person who makes jokes and kids around may not appreciate those ‘typical’ responses while listening to traumatic memory.
2. Allow the speaker to avoid eye contact as needed.
The eyes are the window to your soul and they can speak volumes even when you don’t want them to. For me eye contact is reserved for times when I needed assurance of support to continue or to signal I was done for now. Everyone is different so watch, listen, and be supportive. Sharing significant traumatic memories is like breaking out of a shell. I have pulled clothing tight, taken long pauses, or covered my eyes trying to make it easier or go away.
3. Be Attentive but Relaxed.
By the time you are hearing the story, the one sharing has run it around in his/her head many, if not hundreds of times. Healing takes time so be patient. Your presence is vital to the healing process don’t be in a hurry. The speaker may pace, fidget, express emotion, cry, joke, etc all in a way to get through the telling. Your job is to allow him to share as much as he wants. If you fidget, get emotional, or react you may send signals causing the speaker to clam up.
4. Keep an open mind.
Significant Memories include things the speaker has had trouble coping with. They are often violent, illegal, horrific, scary, and troubling. The speaker lived it, not you. He wants you to accept and love him after you know the story. These are past events which only have influence on the present and future if they remain hidden in the memory of the teller. You will have a chance to discuss the story, ask questions, and process at a later time. This is not a fast or once and done process.
5. Listen to the words and recognize the strength and courage the speaker posses.
This will keep you focused on a positive attitude. Do NOT tell person they are strong or brave you will lose credibility because he is struggling to accept these memories as part of his reality. He will eventually move from ‘what if’, ‘if only’, and ‘why me’. Chances are you cannot empathize with their specific memory such as rape, watching friends die in battle, or haring your bedroom door open knowing your uncle is back for more. What you can do is listen and refuse to allow yourself to view the speaker as anything less than the wonderful person you knew before you knew their hidden memories.
6. Don’t interrupt and don’t impose your solutions or ask questions.
This will not be the only time you hear this story and you will have opportunity later to know more. The mind locks many significant memories deep in the memory and will come to the surface when triggered by an event. The trigger will loosen bits and pieces, not the whole of the events and experiences. The speaker may not be able to answer questions or clarify things. Listening to traumatic memories may mean listening to parts of a story a little at a time. Sharing is extremely difficult and the speaker may take long pauses while they struggle to decide if they are ready to share more.
One time I was fidgeting and making odd short statements while my mind debated if I could say more. A few times, I even said, “I want to say more but I’m not sure I can if I really want to.” My husband was patient and said, “I figured.” It was a blessing to have the time to become ready to share because I did finally share more. Sharing lifted a huge weight. Later that night and the next day I wanted to talk more. Without my husband’s patience, I may still be waiting for the ‘right time’ to share. Sharing made me admit it was real but it also freed me from the constant thoughts about it.
7. Wait for the speaker to start and end the discussion (be patient).
Following a trigger event, you will recognize the value in your loved one sharing their story but timing has to be on their schedule. Offer support by saying something like, “When you are ready, I would like to listen to your story.” Then drop the subject. Be ready and recognize the importance of listening to traumatic memories depends on the share.
If the location or timing is off, offer to go somewhere where you will have no distractions and the speaker can express freely and be able to move around. He may not know how he will respond before he starts to share. The mind seals traumatic memories away involuntarily while the body is in the midst of events he is incapable of stopping, fixing, or getting away from. Talking about traumatic events makes the event feel bigger and stronger then they are and may trigger the fight or flight reaction. The conversation may stop at odd times – this is okay.
8. Pay attention to what isn’t said or to nonverbal cues (body language, tone, emotion).
Your attentiveness as listener will reveal the care you have for the speaker. The struggle to share impacts the whole person; mind, will, and emotion. Many stories are displayed in television dramas or books but experiencing it, participating, or being subjected to the horrors is very different from watching a reenactment. You cannot fix him or remove the experience but you can deactivate the power of the memories by allowing the teller to share without your reactions as much as possible. Listening to traumatic memories may be difficult but it is a sign of great trust and intimacy by the speaker.
9. Encourage positive self-talk.
Feeling of shame or alternative outcomes may plague the speaker in the process of sharing. Merely stating ‘you survived’ is not a sufficient response. Some people may not have survived no matter what. The speaker feels he could have saved friends had his choices or actions been different. Those choices and actions had their own unintended consequences beyond the speaker being the one to die verses the friend.
Negative self-talk feeds the cycle of depression and empowers the memory to destroy the present and future. When traumatic events happen we do what our mind tells us to do to survive. There is no time to process the possible outcomes of multiple choices; there is only time to react. Soldiers train for many scenarios but reality is not a scenario. Some victims fight – some flee. Choosing to fight or not does not eliminate the rape. Children love and trust the person who may molest them. Negative self-talk puts the speaker in the past when he must live in the present. We must live forward toward the future to honor those we lost or in spite of those who tried to destroy us.
10. Allow for follow-up conversations.
Thank the teller for sharing. Listening to traumatic memories is a lot to take in. Remember your loved one has been rolling this memory around in his mind and by allowing himself to share even part of it, lessens the burden of currying it. My husband told me he was just glad I am in his life now. My daughter told me she does not see me any differently than before I shared with her. She went on to say it was a lot to take in. I told her we could talk more later.
Continue the series with Part 6 Hopelessness and Suicide versus Choosing to Live. Warning if you have suicidal thoughts or suicidal ideation Post 6 may trigger a response.
©2018 Elayne Cross
