Triggers.

I walked into a restaurant to meet friends for dinner. As I walked into the foyer between the outside doors and the doors to the lobby I heard music. Triggers!

My heart began to race, I pulled my coat tight, turned and left. I hurried to my car. Repeatedly clicking the button to unlock the doors, from the moment my feet hit pavement until I reached the handle. It was cool and dark but I hurried as if it was pouring down rain. Closing the door with a loud and overly forceful bang, I shut my eyes for just a moment.

Feeling slightly safer in my car I took a deep breath, locked the doors, and started the engine. Another deep breath as I fastened my seat-belt, turned on the radio, and put it in drive. As I pulled out onto the road, I began to shake as tears stung my eyes and throat. I heard just a snippet of the song and from that moment, my mind screamed at my obedient body. “Leave!” “Go!” “You have to get out.” “Go!” “GO!” “Drive!” I remember the reaction, the evening, the restaurant, and who I was meeting. If I ever contacted them, or what the song was eludes me. After leaving, I drove for hours, not willing to leave the safety I felt alone in my car with it moving.

Unavoidable and unpredictable triggers assault your today with difficult significant memories from your past.

A gun’s trigger initiates an explosion which forces a projectile to be release and go as far as the force of the explosion can carry it barring its encounter with an object. In psychological terms, a trigger initiates sensory experience resulting in strong physical/metal/emotional reactions. A song playing in the foyer of a restaurant triggered my need to flee, racing heart, fear, and experiences I cannot describe with words.

This experience happened more than fifteen years ago.

Writing about it still triggers minor emotions. I was in a good place in my life. Therapy was helping me work through some of these odd things that would happen to me for what I thought was no reason. Recently divorced from an abusive marriage drove me to develop a healthy lifestyle. This behavior seemed anything but healthy. I wanted to know why I thought it was okay to be treated that way. What would make me so desperate to be with someone that I would accept abuse? How could I break the cycle and set my children up for success?

Prior to this time, I was in survivor mode. Holding on to make it another day. Reluctant to strap my children with the consequences of suicide I became determined to change the trajectory of my path. Moving forward and becoming healthier made me stronger. I was living in a safe place and I was in control of who I let into my life. For my mind, it was a good time to start to ease the tension holding significant memories at bay. The triggers initiated action, forcing me to contemplate what was going on. What just happened, why did it happen, and how can I control it in the future?

Unavoidable Triggers

It is hard to ignore a trigger event like that day in the restaurant. You will instinctively do what it takes to avoid another. I did not visit that restaurant for several years and avoided certain radio stations to avoid that genre of songs. Avoiding triggers is exhausting because they can show up in more places. By this time in my life, I was safe and I believe my mind knew it was time for me to confront my past. Little by little, I relented and learned a healthy lifestyle includes working through the root of significant memories not avoiding them.

This is the first in a series of posts about my journey to being healthier and happier. Please make comments or ask questions. I would love to hear from you. But more important, share this with others who can benefit from my story to help them understand their own or someone they love.

©2018, 2021 Elayne Cross