Driving home from the county jail my mind busy processing what was happening. Could life get any worse, I couldn’t consider any way it could. The arrest, trial, sentencing, loss of income, and loss of opportunity loomed large. As bad as life had been I had hoped this event would inspire him to change. He lost his job, had to pay the attorney, spent time locked up, yet he still believed he had done no wrong and the early release was allowing him to go home. Over the next several months, my last spark of hope faded to black. I arrived at hopelessness and suicide versus choosing to live.
Fade to the black of hopelessness and suicide
My slow fade to hopelessness was marked with dead dreams, poor decisions, misplaced expectations, and a reality of me against the encroaching world of chaos I had helped build. We were out of money and out of options. Even if we managed to get by nothing was going to change. Jail time was the opportunity to impress a need for change. No one was for me, everything seemed to help him remain as he had always been. He was the only person who ever wanted me and he was jealous, oppressive, mean, rough, and constantly telling me what he would do to me.
What could I do now? The church told him how to avoid arrest for domestic violence. The judge said he had issues with authority and sent him to jail but they needed the room so home he came. Over the years my friends had been pushed away till only his remained. I had no support, no way out, no options and the threat of what he would do if I left. Hopelessness engulfed me in bizarre new oppression of my mind. With it came thoughts of suicide.
Hopelessness and Suicide Versus Choosing to Live
My mind enveloped me in a haze of hopelessness then the glimmer of making it stop by ending my life with suicide. But my mind did something else. Some part of my mind reminded me of other things. The battle of hopelessness and suicide verses choosing to live began. Thoughts of outcomes peppered my mind in a sick game of tennis. Each side taking their calculated blows. All the abuse will end if I die. Suicide is a sin. One day I would focus on one side’s argument only to flip to the other team the next day. My mind was battling for and against both sides.
The battle of hopelessness and suicide versus choosing to live going on in my mind enhanced the torment of my life. Radical thoughts pushing and pulling me to choose one or the other. As the war for my life raged, life pulled the trump card. If I committed suicide what will happen to the kids? It was no longer just about me. Immediately I knew the answer, they would stay with him. I never said it and I don’t think I even thought it, but in clear terms, the answer was ‘not even over my dead body.’ The war was over; I must live because suicide is not an option.
Choosing to Live
Choosing to live did not eliminate my hopelessness but it did ignite the spark of hope I would have to nurture and feed. The decision was made, if I died anytime soon it would be at the hands of someone other than myself. In many ways, my life was still self-destructing around me. He was out of jail but on house arrest and unemployed making him less pleasant. If we were to eat someone had to work, but I had not had a job for years. I just needed a short term position because he would return to working construction once released from house arrest.
I contacted a temporary agency and went in for an intake interview. Within a week I had a job working in the health care industry, an area I had years of experience in. Deciding to make a life for my children forced me to see my role in their future. Months later, he was going back to work but I was not ready to relinquish my new freedom, security, and work. When he started working, I would lose my childcare. Hoping to keep working, I went to my boss. I had impressed them with my knowledge and they agreed to pay my sitter directly for the months he would be working.
Survival Gives Way to Living
The mind is a remarkable and complex part of the human body. Allowing hopelessness and suicide versus choosing to live battle within its electric impulses is just plain weird. Choosing to live is hard wired with reserve power within the primal instinct to survive even the most imaginable traumas. Instinctively we fight or flee traumatic events just to survive but in the process, the mind performs its duty to catalog memories. Significant memories are augmented with the five senses of sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Traumatic memories are stored with extra protection until the body is safe. Storing these significant traumatic memories takes extra energy and resources of the mind and body.
Once safe and alive the mind triggers the body by way of the same senses used to store the memory away through triggers. The trigger signals it is time to unpack the protections holding the memories in the mind so it can return to a more typical low alert level. The triggers allow some of the memory to cycle through the consciousness. Unfortunately with the memory comes the sensual responses and realities of the trauma. Self-judgement, fear, denial and a myriad of other thoughts accompany the memory which often triggers a desire to make it stop.
The hopelessness and suicide are fed by a desire to make the difficult and oppressive thoughts to end by cutting the power. Stopping the memories by blocking them is impossible and when they don’t go away hope for a better future can start to fade. The more traumatic the event, more vibrant the memory, or the more significant the assumed failure the bigger the attack on hope. Hope is based on the future and with traumatic memories the future becomes bleaker.
Feeding Hope so it Burns Bright
Moving from high alert to low requires moving at the right speed based on the assessed threat. For the mind to process it thinks and depends on the body to express the threat through drawing, talking, sharing, or singing. This processing of thoughts, memories, and emotions through a comfortable means of communicating allows the mind to start to decrease the alert level. Traumatic memories often come in parts to allow the controlled release of pressure. This process starts to feed hope in living a life without stress and trauma.
Immediately after experiencing a triggering event my body returns to fight or flight. I want to hold the memories back, keep them hidden, and deny the power they have. This can work for a time but you mind cannot maintain the high security of high alert indefinitely so they come back more often with more triggers. I have learned to listen and respond when my mind says it’s time. I don’t like it and I don’t enjoy it but I know the sooner I communicate about the memories the faster I get my life back. My first response is praying out loud, talking to myself or writing about it in a private journal.
PTSD, hopelessness, and suicide
Everyone processes traumatic events differently. Four percent of men and eight percent of women will experience PTSD in their lifetime. Returning veterans are committing suicide at alarming rates due to PTSD and hopelessness from traumatic events. PTSD and suicide should not be taken lightly, if you are having thoughts of suicide seek assistance through the VA, your doctor, or a clinic near you. Your mind is telling you why you need to live, just listen for the hope you have within.
This is one of a series of post to raise awareness of PTSD and traumatic memories for June, PTSD awareness month. It sounds planned but I recently experienced a triggering event and wanted to share my story with others like me and those who love us. We cannot control when or where we are triggered but we can live a happy and healthy life. It just happens that when looking for articles to link to I realized June was PTSD awareness month so my post became a series. Hopelessness and suicide versus choosing to live is the sixth post of I don’t know how many. The first is Triggers Initiate Action.
Sharing Traumatic Memories does defuse their power and ability to disrupt your life read more in Part 7 Sharing Traumatic Memories.
©2018, 2021 ElayneCross
